knowledge

Transcending Gender

My husband kind of clued me in a couple years ago that I am what some might consider a feminist in ideals.

We talked about it, and yes, in some ways, I am. I would consider myself more an advocate for equality and for cultivating powerful women. It might be because I hate pity, and I never want to see someone pitied. Pity is worse than hate or any other feeling towards another person.

I watch too many women perpetuate what is so pitiful about being weak and submissive. I hate when a woman is scared to talk to a man, or anyone for that matter. I hate when someone is scared to do for his or her self.

There is a difference between a woman who is trying to act tough and a woman who is tough. You notice a woman who tries to act tough, and you see that she is over compensating. You can’t help but to feel that she is out of place and is trying to ‘fake it until she makes it’ in the world – but does she ever really?

You don’t notice a woman who is rightly powerful – you don’t think about her gender so much, and when you do, you think about it in an accepting, almost loving way. You don’t think she is out of her playing field and you will respect and listen to her. She just belongs because she transcends gender.

She transcends gender. 

I consider myself feminine, but I also love to do things that are not. I just like to do… things… that interest me. I enjoy putting on makeup and doing my nails. I enjoy all of that. But I like masculine things, too.

I have done my share of studying and working hard. I earn my paycheck. I have pursued additional education. I am capable.

My husband cooks and cleans and does laundry better than I do. I’m motherly to our pets. We both drive standard cars. He loves hunting and fishing. I love doing sports. There’s a lot of gender role reversals in our marriage, as well as normalities. BECAUSE NO ONE FITS A MOLD. Society has molds designed for us that are largely unattainable. And to perpetuate them is sad, especially in this day and age.

As a little girl, I was called bossy all the time by boys. I was probably bossy to a certain level, as any kid can be, as any boy can be. Sometimes bossy is just that – bossy. But there were times I was treated like I was being bitchy and bossy because I was taking charge and standing up for my views. An argumentative woman is a bitch.

I’ve never been one who handles being controlled well. I do not stand for being walked all over. If I am being used, I rebel. I’ve tried in the past, admittedly, to change. But my inner conscience gets the better of me, and I have no desire to change anymore.

I once had a group of friends who were not treating me well. I ended up standing my ground, which labeled me a bitch. I did not cave. I attempted to work a solution several times, without folding on my stance, but because I didn’t agree to their view, I was in the wrong. (Believe me, sometimes I am wrong… but on this, I do not think I was.)

I was labeled many hurtful things.

I will never be sorry for standing up for myself. I will never be sorry for not being submissive. I will always fight back when I am being wronged.

If you don’t like me as I am, it’s okay. There’s over 6 billion people in this world, and one view is irrelevant. Plenty of other people will take me as I am.

xx Nicki

5 Intellectually stimulating websites you should absolutely know

You may know some, all, or none of these websites. You may be mildly familiar with them – but I highly suggest you really delve into these websites and soak up all they have to offer!

1. TED – Ideas Worth Spreading

A collection of the world’s most fascinating, inspiring, beautiful talks from people that come from all walks of life. They’re an easy listen and you can customize your playlists based on how much time you have and what you’d like to see. It’s literally the most amazing site I’ve ever visited and believe me, if you don’t already watch them, you will want to get on that now.

2. Stumbleupon – Browse the Internet based on your Interests

You make a few clicks and say what you are interested in (any topic at all) and then you click ‘stumble’. Websites from all over the internet have been indexed and categorized and you will come across some of the greatest content you have ever seen. If you like a page, you can browse it, and if you don’t, just click stumble to go to the next.

3. Reddit – The front page of the Internet

This is at once one of the scariest sites and the most fascinating sites on the internet. It’s all user driven, and it has ‘subreddits’ which cater to every interest you can think of. (And if not, you can create one!) They’re basically forums with images, text, links, etc. I subscribe to a variety of subreddits that range from skincare, to specific health issues, to makeup, to funny images. You can do a search and find the subreddit you want and either browse or share content yourself.

4. High Existence – A site dedicated to intellectual thinking, conversing, and articles.

It’s basically a website that is both user driven and creator driven. You can publish your own thoughts and articles and images or you can find others. You will inevitably find something fascinating and mind-blowing to feast your thoughts upon for a little while.

5. Information is Beautiful – Gorgeous, informative Infographics

Browse infographics on a variety of social topics – the one requirement: they have to be visually pleasing. It’s a fascinating way to absorb information and appreciate the art of graphic design.

xx Nicki

Six things you’re saying and doing that are holding you back

1. Sorry, but..

If you’re saying sorry for things you aren’t doing wrong or you are just saying sorry as often as a teenager says ‘like’ then you unconsciously appear subordinate and weak. Think about it: do you say sorry automatically when someone bumps you or if you need to call someone’s attention? “Sorry to bother you, but…” is a phrase we all need to eradicate from our daily usage. Not only does it make you appear timid, it often times makes people you say it to feel uncomfortable (or feel as though they are your boss even if they are not). Practice saying, “Excuse me, *blah blah blah*.”

2. Not maintaining eye contact

If you aren’t looking people in eye when speaking to them or being spoken to, you appear as though you are not paying attention, are lying, or are otherwise untrustworthy. You also give off an air of submissiveness here too. Maintaining eye contact shows the person you are listening to or speaking to that you are on their level (we are all humans, after all) and that you are worth their time.

3. Not giving a firm handshake even if you are a female

This one is tough because I have attempted to give a firm, full-palmed handshake many times and have been cut off at the pass by both males and females into giving them one of those half handshakes. You know the ones I mean – where you just shake their finger tips.

Even if you are very feminine, these half handshakes are sending the wrong message. You want to show the person you are shaking hands with that you are trustworthy, capable, and strong. If you cohabitate with males, then most likely you are doing similar work to them, and you ARE just as physically (and definitely mentally) capable. You bring a lot to the table, but this half-handshake shows underlying tones of weakness.

I personally love when a very down-to-earth, but feminine woman, gives me a full handshake. It shows me she is comfortable in her skin and confident in her capabilities.

4. Not dressing for your body type

I hate to say it, but one size does not fit all. I am a larger woman, and I dress accordingly. It’s not that I am ashamed of myself, or wish to hide myself in larger clothes; I just wear the clothes that fit my body because… *newsflash* …they look better!!

I am not saying you should wear drapey, sack-like clothing, but I am saying you should know and understand your body and it’s proportions. How you present yourself DOES matter because it shows how you feel about yourself inside. If you dress like you don’t care, then you are showing (whether you mean to or not) that you don’t find yourself important enough to take the time and care. Again, as I said in my last post, you don’t need to dress to the nines all day, every day. What you should be doing is showing you made an effort in one way or another. People do notice and it will shape how they think about you. If you truly don’t care, then okay – no problem. BUT… if you work in an industry where you want to get promotions then you need to learn to play the game, even if you don’t agree with it.

5. Speaking too fast

A lot of women speak very fast (men too), but by doing you you are sending the message that you don’t feel worthy of the person’s time to whom you are speaking. It’s as if you are trying to condense the amount of time you are ‘taking’ of theirs. Not only will they probably ask you to repeat yourself, but they will probably retain less of what you said, and spend more time thinking about how hard it is to understand you. It can be hard to retrain yourself, but it comes with practice. I wish there was a magical solution to completely overhauling your speech patterns, but really – you just need to practice speaking slower. (If you have a magical solution or some cool trick, please share!)

6. Always having contact with your phone

This one is really hard because our phones are a kind of safety blanket that redirects awkward conversation. By pulling your phone out every couple minutes, you are showing an inability to connect with others in a truly honest way. People will notice that you avoid their conversation, and it will send them the signal you don’t find them important enough for your undivided attention. Even leaving your phone on the dinner table shows that you are ready to respond to any notification or buzz immediately, and that makes it harder for people to get into deep conversations because they have it in the back of their mind that you will stop paying attention as soon as it happens. You’re better off putting your phone in your pocket or purse and silencing it for important conversations. By doing so, you will strike a chord with a lot of people and they will remember you for it.

xx Nicki

I know how to buy coolant, you idiot.

I’ve had a variety of cars, to put it gently. And with variety there is the “spice of life.” Let me just put it this way- 50% of the cars I’ve driven regularly in the past five years involved wood somewhere on the vehicle. So I’ve had to learn a little about the cars I drive to make sure I can get them to go and stop and all that good stuff.

My second car- a Buick century (with a spoiler!) was particularly Mickey-moused. It was purchased from a cousin with questionable hobbies. He even left a little bit of “herbs” as a welcome gift. Anyway, the radio installed was given to me by a guy I worked with (I actually knew a guy) and you couldn’t use the power locks otherwise the radio would shut off. It was supposedly “hot.” The little triangle window in the back seat was covered with wood because when my cousin got locked out, he thought he’d punch in the smallest window. (Smallest window, smallest repair cost, right? No, apparently you need a whole new door to replace that stupid triangle.) And there were a lot of other characteristics to the car, like the personalized “F*** You” etched into the back seat. But the Buick’s fatal flaw was a problematic radiator.

I was broke and just finished my freshman year of college when I opted to just keep on refilling the coolant instead of selling/junking the car and buying a new(er) one. So I became very familiar with buying coolant, thanks to my car-savvy brother and car-savvy boyfriend. I had no problem walking into a store or gas station and buying coolant. I knew what I needed, I knew where it was, where and how much to pour in, etc. But apparently, my blonde hair and clothing choice showed otherwise. I would go into Autozone, Shell, BP, Hess, Walmart, etc. and get the same treatment every time. “Oh sweetheart, what are you looking for? Do you know? Let me get it for you from that tall shelf. Oh, no no no, don’t buy that brand. Where’s your dad?” This wouldn’t even just come from store employees, but men who felt like it was their responsibility to rescue the damsel in distress. Now I’m all for the helpful citizen and people doing stuff for me, but it should be out of the kindness of their heart. If I had a buzz cut and flat chest, would you help me then? Probably not.

Women are capable and knowledgable. This isn’t the 50’s, if you want someone to patronize, go look up June Cleaver in the phone book. I’m no man-hating feminist (my boyfriend changes my oil while I nap- s/o to John!) but don’t condescend me due to my sex. Then we’ll have some beef, buddy. And I throw a pretty mean punch for a human.

l8r sk8rs,
Justine

TED Talk describes perfectly why women don’t advance to executive levels in the workplace

While men soar to the top in the workforce, women are often left capping out at mid-level management. Are we destined, as women, to live in the middle? Susan Colantuono, speaker at TED x Women, disagrees.

One part from the talk struck a nerve with me – that while women work up the courage to gain confidence in themselves, men are learning the industry (having already been endowed with gender confidence). They learn the financials, the ins-and-outs, and how they fit within the puzzle. Mid-level management employees don’t necessarily need to know the financials of the company. Rather, they focus primarily on their own skills and bringing out the skills in others. What differentiates them from executive is the financial/business aspect in addition to the rest.

So, women: if you are wondering why you are withering away in a mid-level management position, watch this talk and see if it changes how you think about your career movement.

Here is the TED Talk, by Susan Colantuono on why women are often unable to become executives in their industries.

xx Nicki