Transcending Gender

My husband kind of clued me in a couple years ago that I am what some might consider a feminist in ideals.

We talked about it, and yes, in some ways, I am. I would consider myself more an advocate for equality and for cultivating powerful women. It might be because I hate pity, and I never want to see someone pitied. Pity is worse than hate or any other feeling towards another person.

I watch too many women perpetuate what is so pitiful about being weak and submissive. I hate when a woman is scared to talk to a man, or anyone for that matter. I hate when someone is scared to do for his or her self.

There is a difference between a woman who is trying to act tough and a woman who is tough. You notice a woman who tries to act tough, and you see that she is over compensating. You can’t help but to feel that she is out of place and is trying to ‘fake it until she makes it’ in the world – but does she ever really?

You don’t notice a woman who is rightly powerful – you don’t think about her gender so much, and when you do, you think about it in an accepting, almost loving way. You don’t think she is out of her playing field and you will respect and listen to her. She just belongs because she transcends gender.

She transcends gender. 

I consider myself feminine, but I also love to do things that are not. I just like to do… things… that interest me. I enjoy putting on makeup and doing my nails. I enjoy all of that. But I like masculine things, too.

I have done my share of studying and working hard. I earn my paycheck. I have pursued additional education. I am capable.

My husband cooks and cleans and does laundry better than I do. I’m motherly to our pets. We both drive standard cars. He loves hunting and fishing. I love doing sports. There’s a lot of gender role reversals in our marriage, as well as normalities. BECAUSE NO ONE FITS A MOLD. Society has molds designed for us that are largely unattainable. And to perpetuate them is sad, especially in this day and age.

As a little girl, I was called bossy all the time by boys. I was probably bossy to a certain level, as any kid can be, as any boy can be. Sometimes bossy is just that – bossy. But there were times I was treated like I was being bitchy and bossy because I was taking charge and standing up for my views. An argumentative woman is a bitch.

I’ve never been one who handles being controlled well. I do not stand for being walked all over. If I am being used, I rebel. I’ve tried in the past, admittedly, to change. But my inner conscience gets the better of me, and I have no desire to change anymore.

I once had a group of friends who were not treating me well. I ended up standing my ground, which labeled me a bitch. I did not cave. I attempted to work a solution several times, without folding on my stance, but because I didn’t agree to their view, I was in the wrong. (Believe me, sometimes I am wrong… but on this, I do not think I was.)

I was labeled many hurtful things.

I will never be sorry for standing up for myself. I will never be sorry for not being submissive. I will always fight back when I am being wronged.

If you don’t like me as I am, it’s okay. There’s over 6 billion people in this world, and one view is irrelevant. Plenty of other people will take me as I am.

xx Nicki

23 things you’ll wish you did when you’re older

1. Take time to see the event first hand, not just only through the lens of a camera. Don’t live retrospectively. You do not need to photograph every mundane thing.

2. When eating with company, put down your phone and silence it. Plug it in, even.

3. Post very few pictures of an event and it will be regarded higher than if you post multiple photos of the same thing. It leaves mystery.

4. Take unplanned, different photos, not just posed ones. You will be grateful you did later on. Doing the same pose everywhere could just be replaced by Google images and photoshopping yourself into them.

5. Even if you do not exercise intensely, never stop stretching or your body will hurt by your mid 20’s.

6. Don’t forget about video and home movies. You will be amazed later on at how weird you sounded. Plus it makes for great bonding time. Just hold the god damn camera still.

7. Force yourself to listen to the radio sometimes, not just your phone music. Accept the commercials and possibility of horrible songs and playlists. Don’t touch the station. It will get better and you will appreciate when the good songs come on.

8. Moisturizer is the closest thing you will get to the fountain of youth. PUT IT EVERYWHERE.

9. Invest in a good pair of sunglasses that go well with your face. Nothing is worse than a summer filled of photographic memories in which you wore aviators on full cheeks and looked really bad.

10. Look people in the eyes when you talk to them because having the confidence to do so is attractive.

11. Sit at a right angle from someone when telling them something important. It’s psychologically proven that sitting kitty corner makes people feel more comfortable while still feeling close.

12. Never take your sleep or your orthopedic comfort for granted. Invest in supportive shoes (they can still be cute, or just get insoles) and get proper bedding.

13. Sometimes, all it takes is a brand new pair of socks to make you feel awesome for a few hours.

14. Everyday, do at least one thing that you dread doing but know is good to do. Then you will feel accomplished afterwards and your day will feel worthwhile.

15. If you feel down for no reason, you’re probably not getting enough sun.

16. Take care of at least one thing, even if small. A pet or plant. Doesn’t matter, but take ownership over it. Don’t ever let it suffer.

17. Know a little about lot of different things and you will be interesting. Know a lot about only one thing and you will be boring. It doesn’t mean you can’t know a lot about something, but don’t bet all your chips on it.

18. Clean your sheets every two weeks. Your skin/acne and allergies will thank you.

19. Don’t use the excuse that you are bad with names. Make it a priority and remember them however you have to. There is nothing more insulting that re-meeting someone and them not remembering your name, no matter the excuse.

20. Go to the wakes of friends/family of people who matter to you, even if you did not meet the person who passed away. It means a lot and it’s the personality trait of a person who gets ahead in life.

21. Never cut yourself off from candy/treats completely or you will end up binging on them.

22. At work or school, always be prepared and work hard. It will force out discrimination. If it doesn’t, you will have ground to stand on when you fight for what you deserve. And you will win.

23. Everything you believe in now will probably be different than 10 years from now. Accept that humans change and embrace the journey. Changing your mind based on time and experience is not hypocritical, so don’t hold to ideals just for the sake of doing so.

xx Nicki

Haaave you met Ted?

If you’re talking/dating (what does “talking to someone even mean” ?!?) just pause and think about how it all started. Where did you meet? How did you communicate those first few months?

In the days of our parents, they had a few options: they met up in person to talk/get to know one another or they spoke on the phone. They were able to focus on each other and it was raw; it was just the two of them. No collaborative text messages or Tinder replies.

People today are so afraid to expose themselves to other people. We huddle around our friend’s phone when “he” texts her and all give our two cents on what her response should be and what emoji she should send, if any. Are we really getting to know one another if it’s actually two groups behind phones or computers? Employers have said our generation is bad with face-to-face interaction during interviews and it resonates into our personal relationship building skills. Are you getting to know her, or her entire group of friends as one voice?

This technology barrier gives false impressions more often than not. Our parents didn’t spend hours with their friends carefully crafting responses to suitors. They responded in real time and it seems to have turned out okay.

Just show up in a trench coat and play music from your boom box for me so I know it’s real.

l8r sk8rs,

Justine

Why ADHD should be your best friend

Let me start off by saying I am not a doctor. I was, however, diagnosed with ADHD several years ago and with therapy, I’ve come to find out that I’ve always displayed the traits of ADHD since childhood.

I’ll say it: I don’t think ADHD is a disability. It is if you try to fit into the corporate 9-5 world, then sure, I suppose it might be. Trying to force yourself to get up, get ready, and do the same routine every day is exasperatingly mind numbing and down right difficult. For some, it’s peace of mind having structure and routine. For me, it’s torture.

I’m not sure I even believe ADHD is a medical problem – I just see it as more of a personality type. As Einstein notably said, “If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

America runs on the corporate structure and admonishes those with opposing personalities. I’m a hard worker and I did excellent in school – but it came at a price: time. I spent most of my time trying to get myself to focus on the task at hand, eating up my free time to do anything else. While others were outside playing, I was inside getting my work done (and not because I couldn’t understand it, but because I couldn’t get myself to just finish it).

We try to quell our opposing personalities with medications and therapies, but really, we should be embracing them and setting ourselves up for success.

We are driven, as a country, by a need to classify ourselves and establish hierarchies and relationships. Because of this, we ended up with the corporate ladder – a vertical movement that does not support lateral movement. It’s all about who is your boss and who you boss. We can never break those bonds and move laterally because the corporate world does not support that. We will always earn and spend at the same ratio. We will always have the same societal pulls. It will always be a struggle, because it’s supposed to be.

Those with jobs other than the typical 9-5 corporate jobs are often looked at as the ones who weren’t successful in school. I can personally think of several examples of people who went into different fields, worked under a different structure, and benefitted more.

The startup world is filled with people like this – people like Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg, etc. These are people who just didn’t operate as well in a pre-established structure and defined their own that worked for them.

If the corporate world wasn’t meant for you and you are scared to drop it completely for fear of paying the bills, then try taking on a hobby that supports your personality. You will most likely find that you are excelling. The key, though, is to monetize it, set it, and forget it during your 9-5 job. Let your side project generate revenue while you are at work and do the upkeep after work. It’s not a quick, easy thing, though: it takes time, creativity, and dedication.

xx Nicki

Six things you’re saying and doing that are holding you back

1. Sorry, but..

If you’re saying sorry for things you aren’t doing wrong or you are just saying sorry as often as a teenager says ‘like’ then you unconsciously appear subordinate and weak. Think about it: do you say sorry automatically when someone bumps you or if you need to call someone’s attention? “Sorry to bother you, but…” is a phrase we all need to eradicate from our daily usage. Not only does it make you appear timid, it often times makes people you say it to feel uncomfortable (or feel as though they are your boss even if they are not). Practice saying, “Excuse me, *blah blah blah*.”

2. Not maintaining eye contact

If you aren’t looking people in eye when speaking to them or being spoken to, you appear as though you are not paying attention, are lying, or are otherwise untrustworthy. You also give off an air of submissiveness here too. Maintaining eye contact shows the person you are listening to or speaking to that you are on their level (we are all humans, after all) and that you are worth their time.

3. Not giving a firm handshake even if you are a female

This one is tough because I have attempted to give a firm, full-palmed handshake many times and have been cut off at the pass by both males and females into giving them one of those half handshakes. You know the ones I mean – where you just shake their finger tips.

Even if you are very feminine, these half handshakes are sending the wrong message. You want to show the person you are shaking hands with that you are trustworthy, capable, and strong. If you cohabitate with males, then most likely you are doing similar work to them, and you ARE just as physically (and definitely mentally) capable. You bring a lot to the table, but this half-handshake shows underlying tones of weakness.

I personally love when a very down-to-earth, but feminine woman, gives me a full handshake. It shows me she is comfortable in her skin and confident in her capabilities.

4. Not dressing for your body type

I hate to say it, but one size does not fit all. I am a larger woman, and I dress accordingly. It’s not that I am ashamed of myself, or wish to hide myself in larger clothes; I just wear the clothes that fit my body because… *newsflash* …they look better!!

I am not saying you should wear drapey, sack-like clothing, but I am saying you should know and understand your body and it’s proportions. How you present yourself DOES matter because it shows how you feel about yourself inside. If you dress like you don’t care, then you are showing (whether you mean to or not) that you don’t find yourself important enough to take the time and care. Again, as I said in my last post, you don’t need to dress to the nines all day, every day. What you should be doing is showing you made an effort in one way or another. People do notice and it will shape how they think about you. If you truly don’t care, then okay – no problem. BUT… if you work in an industry where you want to get promotions then you need to learn to play the game, even if you don’t agree with it.

5. Speaking too fast

A lot of women speak very fast (men too), but by doing you you are sending the message that you don’t feel worthy of the person’s time to whom you are speaking. It’s as if you are trying to condense the amount of time you are ‘taking’ of theirs. Not only will they probably ask you to repeat yourself, but they will probably retain less of what you said, and spend more time thinking about how hard it is to understand you. It can be hard to retrain yourself, but it comes with practice. I wish there was a magical solution to completely overhauling your speech patterns, but really – you just need to practice speaking slower. (If you have a magical solution or some cool trick, please share!)

6. Always having contact with your phone

This one is really hard because our phones are a kind of safety blanket that redirects awkward conversation. By pulling your phone out every couple minutes, you are showing an inability to connect with others in a truly honest way. People will notice that you avoid their conversation, and it will send them the signal you don’t find them important enough for your undivided attention. Even leaving your phone on the dinner table shows that you are ready to respond to any notification or buzz immediately, and that makes it harder for people to get into deep conversations because they have it in the back of their mind that you will stop paying attention as soon as it happens. You’re better off putting your phone in your pocket or purse and silencing it for important conversations. By doing so, you will strike a chord with a lot of people and they will remember you for it.

xx Nicki

What your makeup (or lack thereof) says about you

Beauty rituals are for more than just the stereotypical ‘basic’ female. Something can be said for the person (male or female) who understands that their appearance speaks towards both their outer and inner personality.

An old saying goes, generally passed from female to female, is that the way a man (or woman – but that’s not the saying) treats a waitress or waiter is how he will someday treat you. It’s the unconscious outlook towards something that speaks louder than the words themselves.

The same can be said for appearances. It’s not necessary to be in perfect shape or wear perfectly tailored clothing to show you put in time and effort into how you are perceived. Even something as simple as a little makeup that accentuates your features favorably shows you are conscientious and can make beneficial decisions towards a better whole.

Something I heard when I worked in retail was the ‘third piece’ of the outfit concept. There’s the bottoms (pants) and the tops (shirts, etc.) Then theres the final touch – the accent jewelry, the cardigan, the hat – whatever. It’s that final step one takes in completing the task… but mostly, it’s the ability to coordinate individual items into a harmonious, tied-together whole. It’s being able to start with scratch and imagine an outcome from nothing. Those are the kinds of things that make a person stand out – not how much makeup you wear, but how you wear it. Even if you wear none, doing so in a meaningful way can still work for you.

Sites like Reddit have subreddits called Makeup Addiction. While the name appears to dwell obsessively over cosmetics, the subreddit serves as an inclusive forum for anyone with the desire to learn more about makeup. Users can post images of themselves and ask for kind, constructive feedback. Text based posts can do the same – asking about products, etc. With the ability to accept that there is always room to grow, and with the mindset ‘always surround yourself with smarter people’ you can step up your game and really make a difference in how you come across to others and yourself.

xx Nicki

TED Talk describes perfectly why women don’t advance to executive levels in the workplace

While men soar to the top in the workforce, women are often left capping out at mid-level management. Are we destined, as women, to live in the middle? Susan Colantuono, speaker at TED x Women, disagrees.

One part from the talk struck a nerve with me – that while women work up the courage to gain confidence in themselves, men are learning the industry (having already been endowed with gender confidence). They learn the financials, the ins-and-outs, and how they fit within the puzzle. Mid-level management employees don’t necessarily need to know the financials of the company. Rather, they focus primarily on their own skills and bringing out the skills in others. What differentiates them from executive is the financial/business aspect in addition to the rest.

So, women: if you are wondering why you are withering away in a mid-level management position, watch this talk and see if it changes how you think about your career movement.

Here is the TED Talk, by Susan Colantuono on why women are often unable to become executives in their industries.

xx Nicki